21 August 2010

Hitchen's Guide to the Fleet Street and Establishment Galaxy

When it comes to truth, the pen is mightier than the sword, except for British journalists, who prefer to use feather dusters

Career advice. If at first you don't succeed - become a Mason

The British Establishment is an Institution that relies on socio-professional networking to prevent members being placed in one.

Whatever is wrong with the country, be sure to blame kids, single mothers, refugees, travelers, European Union and - again kids. This is based on the principle that by lowering their self-esteem, you will miraculously increase it.

When writing a news article, be sure to highlight certain words in uppercase to increase the almost orgasmic, self-righteous indignation of your target audience. They will agree with you, because it gives them a sense of unjustified moral superiority over those who dare to have sex using techniques not included in "John and Jane's Guide To The Birds and Bees" with a partner not of the correct size, shape, age difference or gender as defined by the Moral Guardians of Fleet Street.

If the subject of an article has achieved something that required a lot of courage, skill and hard work, or survived a terrible ordeal, be sure to make your readers believe that the subject intends writing a book. A solo around the world sailor making easy money by spending time writing about their arduous ordeal, will annoy your hard working readers as they make their way to the betting shop.

Remember perception of distance is flexible depending on your agenda. A place fifty miles away can either be close or distant. Example: "The place where it happened is ONLY (note the use of uppercase) 50 miles away from where something else happened". Or, if it better suits the journalistic agenda, "He was a full 50 MILES (uppercase is a British journalist's friend) away at the time the incident happened".

If reporting on British tourists who get pissed and fall off balconies - never let your reader think it is the victims fault. It is the fault of foreign builders, foreign architects and hotel staff who should have warned their guests that standing in their Marks and Sparks undies on a 7th floor balcony rail singing, "Come on Eileen" could be dangerous. The same principal applies to missing children.

Right - have a great weekend, see you Tuesday!

Wherever you may be - be safe

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