6 December 2011

The Story of Christmas By Mr. X. Pert

I am sorry to disappoint everyone, but there is no such thing as Santa Claus. As is the case with Robin Hood, who stole from the rich to give to the poor, Santa Claus is a propaganda tool created by early Trade Unions to indoctrinate people - even kids - with the idea that you can get something for nothing.

However, the workers - i.e. management, did strike back with Coca Cola, who were responsible for the "traditional" image of American Santa Claus. Even Rudolph was a marketing ploy by a Chicago dept store, in the form of leaflets written by one of their copyrighters.

The character of Santa was also adopted by parents as a convenient but ineffective behavioral tool - the classic naughty and nice syndrome that has caused great distress to generations of vulnerable victims, who could well have cause to take a class action against parents for the trauma they suffered during each run up to Christmas. It also had the unfortunate side effect that kids learned not to trust anything parents said, after being disillusioned with misleading information about the existence of Santa, The Tooth Fairy and The Easter Bunny. It is this sort of irresponsible parenting that led to the disenfranchised youth taking to the streets during the UK riots, and I believe, is one of the root causes of generations of juvenile delinquency. social unrest and unwillingness to conform.

The story of Christmas itself is a corrupt influence on children, as it is believed Mary was actually 14 when she gave birth. I understand too, that although her husband was a tradesman, she herself was unemployed and was not in school, no doubt hoping to rely on the gold, frankincense and myrrh provided by generous philanthropists, and also an eye to proceeds from the sale of a book.

It is also highly unlikely that it would be possible to get Three Wise Men in the Middle East together at the same time.

It's doubtful Mary could have made the journey on the back of an ass, as they are very slow moving and stubborn creatures. In fact, it has reported that Joseph often had to urge "Come on Mary, move your ass".

So I am afraid there is no Santa Claus, no Christmas Elves and no Rudolph. Even if there were, with carbon footprints, global warming, climate change, melting glaciers, smoking and people driving cars on the road instead of riding bicycles on the footpath, there will be no White Christmases.

Happy Holiday Tide

X. Pert

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