5 April 2013

The Hitch on Global Warming - groundbreaking new theory

Good evening ladies, gentleman and bankers.

I'd like to welcome you here tonight, to read what I think you will all agree, is a groundbreaking, scientific breakthrough in the field of global warming. In fact, I think I can safely say, "Robust," after all, everyone else is using it these days.

I was once a skeptic. I did not believe in global warming, especially when freezing my butt off during the height of summer. I was one of those old codgers who sit around a bar room table and reflect on the fact that, "summers were hotter in my day."

Then I started to think about it. About all this global warming malarkey.

It was then I had a light bulb moment. Not one of this new fangled energy saving bulbs either - a proper bulb!

Global warming is REAL!

I am a great believer in logic and critical thinking. So when I applied those concepts to the issue, I had the answer. I had discovered the cause of global warming.


Once upon a time, there was an ice age. I know that for a fact, for in the words of Elton John, "I've seen that movie too." The world was covered in ice. And cute hairy animals. But no people.

But the ice age did not last. Nor did the cute hairy animals. However, man - or humankind if you prefer, began to flourish.

And what causes humans to produce more humans?

Yes, that's right. You got it in one!

Just imagine all the heat and energy procreation creates. It's little wonder the ice began to melt and continues to do so. Just imagine all that warmth generated on a Saturday night after the footy! It is bound to have an affect on the atmosphere.

Now we have identified the cause, we must ask ourselves, how can we address this problem? Do we impose some sort of tax or trading scheme? Perhaps governments should consider issuing licenses? They could market "bundles" such as a "Friday and Saturday Night Special" or discount for off peak periods such as Sunday or Monday Nights.

Excuse me - you two at the back. Can you cut that out, or bang goes another glacier. Thank you.

I hope you found this discovery enlightening - and no Ma'am, I can't give you my telephone number, think of the poles!

Oh heck, I mentioned poles. The British tabloids will be picking on them again!
Wherever you may be - be safe 
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